I'm with you
by Lulu Shinigami
Summary: Songfic-Avril Lavigne-I'm with you. Relena can't find another way out of what her life has become, a life wihtout Heero. Rated R for suicide and general angst.


This is my first songfic and my first attempt at angst. It's the Avril Lavigne song 'I'm with you'. It might be weird for all you fans out there, uh.if I have any.(lets just call you; 'people who have read my stories before.') because I rarely go past humour. But anywho, I always guarantee laughs in my humorous fics, so I'm gonna guarantee either tears of sadness or tears of joy, because there might be a few Relena bashers out there reading this too. A certain girl called Youko Demon for example.  
  
This is set in a time when all wars had supposedly ended in outer space. All characters are in their twenties. You'll pick up the rest along the way.  
  
These little thingys*******indicate the song lyrics.  
  
By the way, I still haven't saved enough money to buy the rights to Gundam Wing. So until then, I don't own it or any of its characters or super cool school uniforms. Shit. Sorry. I'm supposed to be serious.  
  
Just read it already.  
  
I'm with you.a Relena and Heero angst fic by Lulu Shinigami.  
  
*I'm standing on the bridge  
  
I'm waiting in the dark  
  
I thought that's you'd be here by now.*  
  
Relena shivered as an icy gust of wind rushed past her face, picking up her hair as she turned her face away, her eyes searching for someone.anyone.  
  
The bridge she stood on was empty, no longer in use, the damage caused by a surprise mobile suit attack years before her birth rendered it useless. It could have been fixed easily, but the cities it had formerly joined were now nothing but hollowed out shells of debris and ghostly frames of buildings.  
  
She had been here before, to the same exact position many times, always with the same intention.  
  
It was dark. Past midnight. She had driven for hours by herself just to come here. Just to stand on this bridge above the murky black waters below. Knowing it was dangerous. Knowing people would be upset. Knowing there was no going back.  
  
*There's nothing but the rain  
  
No footsteps on the ground  
  
I'm listening but there's no sound.*  
  
Her mind wandered as she looked around herself, hugging her coat tighter around her small frame as the skies opened up, a light rain splashing on her pale face. She was all alone, finally. There was no one to interrupt her, no one to beg her urgent attention, no one to tell her what to do.no one.and the silence was infuriating.  
  
But in her mind she could still hear their voices hounding her. But not one of them was the voice she wanted to hear.  
  
She peered over the edge now, the moving reflection from the moon on the dark waters below, soft ripples from the rain clashing together.  
  
It began to rain harder. The drops quickly plastering her hair to her face and drenching her clothes. Relena had to blink as she looked up at the moon. It made her think of space. The first time she had seen him.  
  
*Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
  
Won't somebody come take me home?*  
  
  
  
There was only one person in her mind now. A face. The face of a boy she hardly knew, but felt she had known forever. They rarely spoke, but seemed to have an understanding. Or so she believed.  
  
*It's a damn cold night  
  
Trying to figure out this life  
  
Won't you take me by the hand?  
  
Take me somewhere new  
  
I don't know who you are but I,  
  
I'm with you.*  
  
But he ignored his feelings for her. That was what she had thought. But she was older now, and she knew the truth. He didn't love her. She was an obligation. A mission. Nothing more.  
  
After all these years.she hardly even knew him.  
  
She had given up her hopes of finding anyone new. She found herself comparing everyone she met to him. Wondering what it would be like if it was him dancing with her in her ballroom like the way they had in high school. When he had been prepared to kill her, and she prepared to die.  
  
Relena trusted him completely, giving her heart freely even though she knew his heart could not be given. It was like he didn't even have one.  
  
*I'm looking for a place  
  
I'm searching for a face  
  
Is anybody here I know?*  
  
Relena lowered her face again, trying to keep the rain out of her blue eyes, leaning on the railing of the bridge, looking down into the waters again. She let her eyes close for a moment, wishing in some childish way that things could have been different.  
  
Wishing she wasn't so important. Wishing war hadn't broken out again. Wishing her brother had not died on the frontlines days ago. Wishing Heero hadn't left her to take his place.  
  
But that was not all that was on her mind now. The others. Their faces. Their smiles. They returned to torture her.  
  
Relena couldn't help but remember how wonderful their lives had all become. They were still young by the time the conflict in outer space had supposedly ended, all of them believing they would never again see the horror of war in their lifetime. They envisioned their lives to be so perfect, not just Relena, all of them. But it was true; they were young, too young perhaps. They had no normal life experience.  
  
All they knew was war. And the reality was; it would never leave them. Honour. Loyalty. Duty. Death. Pain.  
  
And where had it really gotten them.?  
  
They were all gone.all of them.  
  
Relena had found Lucrezia's body only yesterday morning. The two warriors had finally moved past their lives of battle and found peace in each other. But when the conflict arose once more, and a shadow of threat fell over the Kingdom that Zechs had fought so hard for, he was the first to volunteer for service.  
  
Lucrezia, wonderful woman who had been such a good friend to her, hanging from the rafters of his office, a note on the ground. She could not live without her soul mate.  
  
And Sally and Wufei. They had both lead a project to reconstruct their destroyed colony of origin, eventually settling down with the intention of raising a family.  
  
Sally had died in childbirth two months ago. And Wufei was dead in time to be buried along with his still born son and wife...  
  
He blamed himself. And the saddest part was, he was too proud to involve anyone else in his grief. He had ceremonially taken his life by falling on his own sword, not making the usual request for a comrade to finish the task. He died in extreme pain, hours later.  
  
Trowa and Catherine had both stayed in the circus, taking such joy in making children and adults alike forget the scars they had obtained from the wars. But the new conflict had accidentally subjected their circus tent to crossfire.  
  
They had been helping remove children from the towering inferno. Their bodies were never recovered...  
  
And where was Trowa's dearest Midii through all of this?  
  
In a padded cell, trying to bite her way through her wrists after seeing the report on the news. Falling back into her hell of mental instability.  
  
She succeeded a week later, still intelligent enough to fool the psych staff into allowing her to begin a normal rehabilitation program. The metal clip from the pen lid she swiped from her psychiatrists' office was enough to do the job when she returned to her cell.  
  
Quatre and Dorothy had seemed like the ones most likely to succeed in the new world. Quatre came public with his accounts of what happened to him during the wars in outer space, the effects of the Zero system, expressing his sorrow and regret for the lives he destroyed.  
  
They too had both moved past their experiences with war. But others had not.  
  
A boy now on death row had been seeking revenge for the parents he had lost in a colony the former Gundam pilot had destroyed. They had been leaving a restaurant when the boy came out of the shadows. Quatre tried to protect Dorothy, but there was no use, the gunman had time to reload. Twice. The bullets went straight through him, both arriving at the hospital lost causes, over 30 bullet wounds between them.  
  
Duo had almost lasted. Watching his friends die had affected him greatly, knowing that there were only two of the original five almost put him over the edge. But he had Hilde. She was everything to him. All he had...  
  
But she was also the first on the list of disciplinary action when Oz was resurrected. They went underground for as long as they could, but they fell into a trap.  
  
He tried to protect her just as Quatre had defended his own wife, but he was not fast enough, and her wounds were fatal. The most guilt he felt was because the doctors trying to save both their lives had used her blood to save him when they saw how bad her brain had been affected.  
  
He turned to his religion for as long as he could. But no amount of prayer and seclusion would ever bring her back. Instead of drowning in god, he drowned in his own blood. He inhaled enough toxic medication and downed enough alcohol to cause internal bleeding.  
  
But he knew what he was doing. Punishing himself.  
  
Tear began to fall from Relena's blue eyes. They were all gone. She still couldn't believe it.  
  
*Cause nothing's going right  
  
And everything's a mess  
  
And no one likes to be alone.*  
  
And now she was alone. Alone in a cruel world intent on breaking her spirit. She hadn't allowed it in the past. But things had changed. She wasn't as strong as she used to be. She wasn't as naïve and no longer placed her faith in love. Because there was no love for her to place her faith in.  
  
There was no one left that loved her anymore. She had visited her adoptive mother and father's graves only yesterday, only to find the cemetery ravaged by the indiscriminate aftermath of war. It was her memory that led her to the burial sights, all else was covered in a blanket of ash.  
  
But even now she could not think of that. He mind wandered again. Wandering through possibilities. Past her family. Past her fallen friends. Back to him.  
  
Perhaps he had loved her once.  
  
Her mind travelled back to a time when she had believed in his love completely. One night. Just one night.  
  
She remembered him stumbling into her room, the blood on his clothes, the shot she had heard ringing out in the distance. Thinking he was wounded. Finding he had killed a would be assassin. The way he wrapped his arms around her, seeming to want nothing more than to protect her.  
  
She cleaned the blood from his face. She watched him shaking from the shock of her possible death, just as she had every time he had put himself in danger for her.  
  
One thing just led to another.  
  
It was all she could think of now. The way his lips felt on her skin. The way he avoided her eyes, speaking not a word. Most of all she remembered his hands. The way they touched her. Roaming her body in an obvious display of experience.unlike her.  
  
But it was worth it. It was worth it to feel like he loved her for one shining moment. Being held in his arms gave her such a feeling of safety, that everything was perfect. But he must have felt differently.  
  
He was gone by the time the sun had risen. He had what he wanted.  
  
*Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
  
Won't somebody come take me home?*  
  
She had to face it now. Face the reality that had been staring her in the face her whole life. She was alone.  
  
No one was going to help her. And everyone needed her help.  
  
The conflict in outer space was growing by the minute. Requests for aid and strategic advice arrived daily. But she had nothing to give. The Sanc Kingdom was financially depleted. And her hopes of peace, her fight for pacifism.that was gone also.just like Heero.  
  
The deaths of his friends had sent him into a deep depression, and further from Relena. But he could be no further from her than he was now.  
  
Just when she thought they really had a chance for happiness, for a life together, a life without the ties of war and the pain it had bought them both. It was then that the war began. It was then that the blood began to flow.and only tears could follow.  
  
But it was now that they would end. No more war. No more pain. No more tears. No more Heero.  
  
*It's a damn cold night  
  
Trying to figure out this life  
  
Won't you take me by the hand?  
  
Take me somewhere new*  
  
Relena wanted nothing but to run away. Leave this horrible place they called earth. A place she had loved so dearly. Everything she had ever loved was gone now.what was there left for her now?  
  
Nothing.  
  
*I don't know who you are but I,  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you.*  
  
She shook her head to herself now. Feeling ashamed somehow, even though she knew she was alone. She cursed herself for ever having believed that she had ever deserved Heero's love, for ever thinking that she was more to him. She knew now that it was nothing but her own fault for creating these delusions that tortured her inside; these cold fingers that gripped her heart, squeezing like it was an innate object, a plaything with no function.  
  
It was true now. Her heart had no function. Surely it circulated blood through her body, it kept her alive. But did she really want to be alive? After all of her failures?  
  
The way she committed herself to him, to all that he was, trying to make things better, wanting to make him happy, make him forget. She had done everything for him. And he had repaid her by abandoning her for the soldier in him.  
  
It was the soldier that ruled over his body. Not his heart. Not like Relena. The ever hopeful school girl with dreams of peace and happiness.  
  
Her face hardened now. She was no longer a girl. And she wanted nothing to do with peace. She wanted no happiness. She knew in reality that neither of the two really existed.  
  
And she was surer of this than she had ever been when she stood back form the edge and took off her coat, letting it drop to the ground before beginning to climb onto the railing, the note in the pocket.  
  
*Why is everything so confusing?  
  
Maybe I'm just out of my mind.*  
  
This was no spur of the moment. Relena had been carefully planning this for years, knowing the opportunity and the circumstance would unite. It was time now. There was nothing left for her, all she had to do was keep repeating it to herself, make herself believe, just as she had made herself believe that he loved her.  
  
The wind picked up around her again as she stood up straight, holding onto a pillar; the rain moulding her clothes to her body.  
  
And the moon, she could see that now as she looked above herself for one last time, one last shining moment with the memory of him in her mind.  
  
But she knew now, that she did not know him at all. He was still as much a mystery to her as he had been all those years ago. They just weren't meant to be.  
  
The rain made it as if she was shedding no tears, but in reality they ran freely, and liberally. She sobbed out loud, no longer caring.because no one cared for her.  
  
Wanting to scream for all the wrongs that had befallen her. The death of everyone she had ever loved, and the denial of the love she wanted more than any other.  
  
*It's a damn cold night  
  
Trying to figure out this life*  
  
The rain stopped. But the pain was so intense at this very moment that she knew it was her only way out. That there would be no rainbow after this storm.  
  
*Won't you take me by the hand?  
  
Take me somewhere new*  
  
But then he was back again. Back in her mind. Back in her life. Standing beside her. Holding her hand.  
  
They didn't need to speak. Didn't need to know how they had found each other. It wasn't important. When they looked into each others' eyes, they both knew what the other wanted, what they needed.  
  
Relena's thoughts of hate for him dissolved in a heartbeat.  
  
Heero squeezed her hand, tears forming in his own eyes. He had had enough. He didn't want to live in a world that was so full of pain any more than she did. Relena's chest convulsed with repressed sobs as she watched a single tear roll down his cheek.  
  
She had never seen him like this. It was true; she hardly new him. But she knew that she loved him. And right now, she knew that he loved her too.  
  
In an instant they both reached for each other, wrapping their arms around each other in an embrace, the force of which put them both off balance.  
  
Their lips met briefly before their bodies leant gently towards the edge. There was no stopping the inevitable now. But it didn't matter. They clung to each other, knowing the fate they had both now accepted.  
  
He whispered the words she had longed to hear since the day she had met him into her ear just before their bodies hit the water.  
  
'I love you.'  
  
*I don't know who you are but I,  
  
I'm with you  
  
I'm with you.*  
  
Owari.  
  
This was my first angst fic. If you think sucked, go on, don't be shy, just go ahead and tell me. I'm sure you won't have any problems with that Alyssa.joking.  
  
Well Jenna, if I had had my way and gone the way I usually do, I would have let you push Relena off the bridge. Now that's true friendship.  
  
JaNe.  
  
Lulu Shinigami. 


End file.
